Colby just called. He said he's come to the realization that he can't handle this. That's probably a good thing because it's true. We can't handle this, and that is forcing us to rely on God in a way we've only thought we had done before all of this.
He also told me that he's afraid to love our baby and that some times he doesn't even want to feel it move. Me too. Last night I admitted to myself how much I want this baby. I told God, "I don't care who is supposed to be affected by this or how. Find another way. I want this baby." I wondered if any peace I may have experienced previously could have merely been confused complacency. I don't really think so, but the thought has made its way through my head, and Colby's too.
We have our second opinion appointment scheduled in a week from tomorrow. I'm afraid to entertain the thought of discovering a miracle. Some sort of mistake that the other doctor may have made...
We're afraid to love and hope. I guess it's easier to let go. Regardless, I can't help but want this baby and ask God for something that I don't believe He'll give me. Maybe He'll prove me wrong.
Updated: Thursday, September 6, 2007 3:12 PM PDT
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